By mandi on Saturday, December 14, 2019. Nov 23, 2019 - Explore Sabrina Reyes's board "Double meaning" on Pinterest. So we stopped playing chess.Matt Kirshen (2011), 100 of the funniest ever jokes and best one-liners, 50 Edinburgh Fringe one-liners that deserved to win Funniest Joke, 100 of the funniest short jokes and one-liners, 100 of the best clean jokes and one-liners that will make everyone laugh, 100 of the best bad jokes that will make you cringe, 31 Best Man speech jokes that will work for any wedding, The 50 Best Jokes of the Edinburgh Fringe 2017, I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time. Tom Ward (2015), I really wanted kids when I was in my early 20s but I could just never lure them into my car. Then I realised I dont have a a DVD player. Emo Philips, Steven Wright, Milton Jones, Mitch Hedberg, Max Miller, Ken Dodd, Henny Youngman, Bob Monkhouse and Rodney Dangerfield. I called this tour Gagsters Paradise because I wanted a title that let people know it had loads of jokes in, theres no story and no sad bits. Just burned 2,000 calories. Tickets are on sale now. 49 of Monty Pythons funniest jokes Ill tell you what I love doing more than anything trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. And thats just in the hot dogs. David Letterman, I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. What did the left eye say to the right eye? 1. He appeared on Mock the Week in July 2012. As a subscriber, you are shown 80% less display advertising when reading our articles. This site is part of Newsquest's audited local newspaper network. Gary Delaney | Ruthless One Liners Hot Water Comedy Club 184K subscribers Join 6.5K 566K views 11 months ago Hot Water Comedy All Stars is now on a UK tour coming to a city near you -. Cookies help us deliver our Services. However, the best joke writer in the world right now is Anthony Jeselnik in the States.. A Sony and Chortle Award winner, he repeatedly takes the Edinburgh Festival Fringe by storm and his jokes have twice made Daves Top 10 Funniest Jokes from the Edinburgh Fringe. Its a Saturday.Dominic Frisby (2016), Whenever I see a man with a beard, moustache and glasses, I think, Theres a man who has taken every precaution to avoid people doodling on photographs of himCarey Marx (2008), Miley Cyrus. Ironically, thats how he lost his job in disaster relief. Mark Watson, Apparently smoking cannabis can affect your short term memory. His wisecracks are so daft and occasionally clever that it is impossible not to laugh, and you stand a realistic chance of pulling a muscle in your side. 27 of Sarah Millicans laugh out loud jokes You can get a sneak preview when he appears on Live at the Apollo tonight (Thursday) at 10pm, BBC2. Just click the "Edit page" button at the bottom of the page or learn more in the Quotes submission guide. There have, however, been some unlucky losers. We came to the mutual agreement that she would marry her ex boyfriend. Brett Goldstein (2013), My mother told me, you dont have to put anything in your mouth you dont want to. 7:30pm Tickets: 21 Gary Delaney is a razor sharp one-liner comedian, who is widely regarded as being the most quotable comic on the circuit. Subscribe to our YouTube channel for more videos - http://bit.ly/2vBzt2f Ticket for all shows - www.hotwatercomedy.co.uk | By LIVE at Hot Water Comedy Club | Facebook Log In Forgot Account? Gary Delaney Giving, Causes, Shock 12 Copy quote As a kid I was made to walk the plank. 26 of Stewart Lees most gloriously acerbic jokes Members also get exclusive bonus episodes from all featured podcasts featured on our brand new Hot Water Studios.Live Stream schedule - https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLk3dQ67cxDLHFWfD_V6j1kwFCb6ZvqUNbMember only content - https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=UUMOG1QXvv8CME3I6yts0IevTAFor Hot Water Comedy Club tickets, social media and information about our brand new 2022 venue please check out our mini website - https://linktr.ee/hotwatercomedyclub Clever one-liners to have on-hand Shutterstock "Light travels faster than sound. We want our comments to be a lively and valuable part of our community - a place where readers can debate and engage with the most important local issues. What do you expect? black stuff coming out of praying mantis; r404a refrigerant properties table; school of the spirit apostle joshua selman; it ends with us quiz answers I thought: 'This could be interesting.'" Paddy Lennox "I'm sure. Derry Girls: 35 of the funniest quotes and one-liners Top 250 Movies Most Popular Movies Top 250 TV Shows Most Popular TV Shows Most Popular Video Games Most Popular Music Videos Most Popular Podcasts. APR 25 2020 Fat Frog Comedy 25 of the most cantankerous Martin Crane quotes from Frasier I dont want to do itPhil Wang, I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto the ArkAdam Hess, I went to a Pretenders gig. Thats not a miracle. No it was a mutual thing. Its been a tough week, I bought myself a memory foam mattress and now its trying to blackmail me. 50 of Terry Wogan and Graham Nortons most scathing Eurovision quotes 30 of the best-ever jokes about Scotland from Scotland, 20 of the most absurdly funny quotes from Nathan Barley I listen to people talking and how they use language, he says. I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. that work? Olaf Falafel, Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy, I hear you ask.Jordan Brookes, If youre being chased by a pack of taxidermists, do not play dead. Olaf Falafel, I spotted a Marmite van on the motorway. What do you call a cow on a trampoline? Replace your weakest material with better new stuff its an ongoing process. Theres no way he could write a book. Frankie Boyle, You know youre working class when your TV is bigger than your book case. Rob Beckett, Most of my life is spent avoiding conflict. Theres a name for itJimeoin, I have two boys, 5 and 6. The ability to comment on our stories is a privilege, not a right, however, and that privilege may be withdrawn if it is abused or misused. 3. 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Here are some of his funniest jokes to tempt you! He has also had a brush with copyright issues when his content was allegedly plagiarised by a humour website. Two of his gags were included in the top ten of the third annual Dave Award for the Funniest Joke of the Fringe, making him the only comedian to have this happen to him. Add a photoor add a quote. I tell you what makes my blood boil, faulty spacesuits. Get yourself in the mood for the worlds largest comedy festival returning with these priceless jokes and one-liners that failed to win the coveted crown. 25 of the greatest Absolutely Fabulous quotes, darling Those ads you do see are predominantly from local businesses promoting local services. Hes bisatchel. Just hope I can pull it off. William Andrews, Why are they calling it Brexit when they could be calling it The Great British Break Off? Alex Edelman, Words cant express how much I hate World Emoji Day. Christian Talbot, Someone stole my antidepressants. Review: Gary Delaney, Theatre Royal Winchester . We couldn't afford a dog. I was having dinner with a world chess champion and there was a check tablecloth. Dinner is on me! Apparently Dance like no one is watching doesnt mean With your cock out. Please report any comments that break our rules. Or does that make me a bad teacher? 45 of Ricky Gervais funniest jokes All rights reserved. . Whoever they are, I hope theyre happyRichard Stott (2019), Whats driving Brexit? 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But Ive got the ins and outs. Iain Stirling(2014), Today I did seven press ups: not in a row. Daniel Kitson (2012), Stephen Hawking had his first date for 10 years last week. Ive got condiments in my cupboard older than that.Lucy Beaumont (2014), Whats a couple? I asked my mum. As I was leaving, he said: Dont forget poobags!, I was like Alright, Gran, you can come as well.. Doc, I cant stop singing The Green, Green Grass Of Home. He said: That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. Is it common? I asked. All rights reserved. He was too clothes minded. Twitter: @BiographyScoop Went to the doctors and said: Have you got anything for wind? He gave me a kite. Be the first to contribute! But Ive got the ins and outs. Iain Stirling, Roses are red, violets are blue, Im a schizophrenic, and so am I. Billy Connolly, My mother told me, you dont have to put anything in your mouth you dont want to. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, then what youve lost is a pigeon.Sara Pascoe(2014), My Dad said, always leave them wanting more. A police officer pulled me over and knocked on my window. Because hes Tudor.Adele Cliff, Dont you hate it when people assume youre rich because you sound posh and went to private school and have loads of money?Annie McGrath, If youre being chased by a pack of taxidermists, do not play dead. Some of his memorable moments in comedy include when he went on a tour in the UK in 2003, in support of Jerry Sadowitz. Is it OK that I start drinking as soon as the kids are at school? Crime in multi-storey car parks. Badness by Gary Jubelin . Old age is not so bad when you consider the alternatives. If it were on Radio 4, she should have said Dont forget the poobags. Thats how small my penis is. Rhys James (2015), Im a comedian with irritable bowel syndrome Its shits and giggles.Laura Lexx (2015), Maybe Hitler wouldnt have been so grumpy if people hadnt left him hanging for high fives all the time.Rhys James (2015), Hey, if anyone knows how to fix some broken hinges, my doors always open.Paul F. Taylor (2016), If you dont know what Morris dancing is, imagine eight guys from the KKK got lost, ended up at gay pride and just tried to style it out. Fin Taylor (2016), Hedgehogs why cant they just share the hedge? Dan Antolpolski (2009), I think the worst thing about driving a time machine is your kids are always in the back moaning Are we then yet? I hope he likes them. Ill give you an example. Gary Delaney: Comedy Club Classics 2000-2013 A Full Show of one-liners live @Hot Water Comedy Club(2019 Video) Gary Delaney: Self It looks like we don't have any photos or quotes yet. 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I spent this morning swanning around the town centre, I hissed at people and broke a mans arm. Which probably explains why her marriage collapsed. Josie Long, The easiest time to add insult to injury is when youre signing somebodys cast. Demetri Martin, I was in my car driving back from work. 17 of Ken Dodds most ingeniously funny jokes Thats the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap. The President of France said this week that English speakers were arrogant in their refusal to learn other languages, at least I think thats what he said. A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train load of terrapins. . United Kingdom garydelaney.com Joined March 2009 2021 Twitter About Help Center Terms Privacy policy Cookies Ads info Gary Delaney @GaryDelaney Follow @GaryDelaney Gary Delaney (born 16 April 1973) is an English writer and stand-up comedian. The high quantity of stand out gags leaves the audience struggling to remember them all. 17 of Ken Dodds most ingeniously funny jokes 20 of The Young Ones most gloriously silly quotes Weve just got a little dog. Ive given up making innuendos for Lent, but its getting really hard now and Im not sure if I can pull it off. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? Menu. What a turtle disaster! Hes not dead, just very condescending.Jack Whitehall (2009), Looking at my face is like reading in the car. This morning I made a Belgian waffle, in the afternoon I made a Frenchman talk rubbish. This vinegars got lumps in it. I hardly ever visit Syria. Alex Horne(2014), Life is like a box of chocolates. Frankly I love it, he says. A field of corn. One of Britain's leading one-liner comics returns to the road with another onslaught of lean, expertly crafted gaggery. Reason being, things work. Henning When, Im learning the hokey cokey. The high quantity of stand out gags leaves the audience struggling to remember them all. The study of why triangular sandwiches taste better is known as trigonom-nom-nomnometry. It was the year in which the subject of civil rights in America had come to the fore, and so come the publication of In The Heat Of The Night it was immediately put into a bracket of being culturally - even politically - significant. On a snow day, news is weather is travel. Michael McIntyre, Heres a picture of me with REM. They dated for a while before moving in 2013 and tying the knot at the end of the same year, in December. 110 of the best jokes for kids that are actually funny. Im never jogging behind a Council van in Winter ever again, he said through gritted teeth. I thought: This could be interesting. TCIN: 87647644. Delaney is a married man. Ive just bought Spider-Man pyjamas. Now I can ride a motorbike, hows that going to help? Eric Lampaert. Gary is at home in venues from arts centres and theatres to rowdy pubs and clubs and corporate gigs. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Not all of it. Using this website means you are okay with this but you can find out more and learn how to manage your cookie choices. When I get back from a run my girlfriend usually asks if Ive forgotten something. Pete Otway (2016), I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. She was wearing massive gloves.Alun Cochrane (2015), As a kid I was made to walk the plank. Was it something I said? asks the son. You know what that means when someone pays you minimum wage? Say what you like about waiters, but I think they bring a lot to the table. He goes on: Dont speak too fast, stick to your time, do a little pause before the funny bit, dont waffle, fake confidence, hold the mike near your mouth, be polite, and stay in the light. We dont want your type in here.. #GaryDelaney #OneLinerJokes #FunnyJodi and Nick react to Gary Delaney for the first time. Youll progress.. She was wearing massive gloves. Alun Cochrane, As a kid I was made to walk the plank. If I dont pay it back, Im going to get repossessed. Olaf Falafel (2018), In my last relationship, I hated being treated like a piece of meat. 25 of the most cantankerous Martin Crane quotes from Frasier Most one-liners are reverse engineered, and start with something you hear. Be the first to contribute! Suggs just asked me what my preferred pronouns are. What do you call a cow with no legs? Hot Water Comedy All Stars is now on a UK tour coming to a city near you - linktr.ee/hotwatercomedyallstarsYouTube members can now LIVE STREAM all of our regular Hot Water Comedy Club shows with over 10 stand up shows every single week streaming LIVE from the world famous Hot Water Comedy Club in Liverpool. I took a poll recently and 100% of the people were quite annoyed that their tent had fallen down. Riveting! Stewart Francis (2012), Im learning the hokey cokey. 50 of the best lines from Peep Show I can hardly contain myself. Their follow-up album, Blood, Sweat & Tears 3, also . Im in a great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite one jar. He is known for delivering them in a slightly deadpan manner. This is thy sheath! contact IPSO here, 2001-2023. Price: 18.00. The tensest crowd Ive ever seen was at the funeral of the man who invented the Jack-in-the-box. Enjoy reading!! Then I was born.Yianni (2015), I was playing chess with my friend and he said, Lets make this interesting. Edit, improve, tweak, experiment, keep what works. So I always want as many people to see it as possible. All Edit Gary Delaney: Comedy Club Classics 2000-2013 A Full Show of one-liners live @Hot Water Comedy Club (2019 Video) Quotes It looks like we don't have any Quotes for this title yet. I always prefer being live on stage, he says. In Germany, we dont have to swear. "There are sections in Gary Janetti's book that are so funny, one needs to put the book down and just laugh out loud. GARY Delaney is the master of the one-liner; a one-man machine gun of gags, which he unleashes on his audiences without mercy. I met this gangster who pulls up the back of peoples pants. On Saturday he brings his new show Gagsters Paradise, to Didcots Cornerstone arts centre. Hey, if I could pay you less, I would, but its against the law. Chris Rock, Love is like a fart. My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce. I said, No, wait! All rights reserved. I hear an everyday phrase and think I could muck about with that. This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Gary in Punderland Tour 50 percent of people who go to watch The Cure actually end up watching Placebo, and enjoy it just as much. 2021 Associated Newspapers Limited. Gary Delaney Biography, Age, Wife, Stand-up, Movies, Tour and One Liners. 20 of The Young Ones most gloriously silly quotes Body like a Greek statue completely pale, no arms. Phil Wang, If God had written the Bible, the first line should have been Its round. My next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, hes a Catholic converter. I laughed my backside off and when I knew he was going to be in Winchester, I just had to be there. 25 of Spike Milligans greatest gags 100 of the best clean jokes and one-liners that will make everyone laugh 100 of the best bad jokes that will make you cringe 31 Best Man speech jokes that will work for any wedding 50 of. Four fonts walk into a bar. Did you hear about the two silk worms in a race? About a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard. She was livid, what am I going to do with two dead dogs?. Which is like the manflu but worse because I also regularly have periods and I get paid less. Sofie Hagen (2016), Kim Kardashian tried to break the internet. Now I cant get the cobwebs out of her hair. I cant remember what its for and I never use it anyway. Mary Bourke (2012), Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy? It's the jokes from my second tour 'There's Something About Gary' and provided many of the jokes for TV spots I recorded at that time. Gary Delaney is a razor sharp one-liner comedian, who is widely regarded as being the most quotable comic on the circuit. Ive called the SWAT team! Greg Davies, A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain. Graham Norton, My father drank so heavily, when he blew on the birthday cake he lit the candles. Les Dawson, Ive been feeling suicidal so my therapist suggested I do CBT. Age One Liners. Gary Delaney "I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. Soyseems to be the hardest word.Phil Nicol, Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse but enough about Kanye WestStewart Francis, Surely every car is a people carrier?Adam Hess, Whats the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? I realised that the other day inside my fort. Zach Galifianakis, I used to work at McDonalds making minimum wage. Jokes I tweet didn't make the grade for live shows. Because he was trying to catch up on his sleep! The group's self-titled second album spent seven weeks atop the U.S. charts, spun off three Top 5 hit singles, and won the Grammy Award for Album of the Year in 1970. Some of his jokes were not received well, particularly one where he said that people from Jersey were trying to shake off their tax avoidance tag and get back to their traditional reputation as Nazi sympathisers. This did not sit well with the residents of Jersey. 27 brilliantly funny quotes from This Country Review your material constantly. Delaney has been in the comedy industry since the early 2000s. An investigator! I went to the doctors the other day and he said: Go to Bournemouth, its great for flu. So I went and I got it. Now, for the first time, comes this collection of his finest 3,000 jokes. Gary Delaney: Comedy Club Classics 2000-2013 A Full Show of one-liners live @Hot Water Comedy Club (2019 Video) Plot Showing all 0 items Jump to: Summaries It looks like we don't have any Plot Summaries for this title yet. ' Paddy Lennox, Im sure wherever my dad is; hes looking down on us. Red Dwarf: 30 of the funniest quotes and one-liners A star of Mock The Week, Live at The Apollo and Celebrity Pointless he has also written for 8 Out Of 10 Cats and 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown, A League Of Their Own, The British Comedy Awards and The News Quiz. Because you can see right through them! 50 of the funniest Friends quotes and jokes. Editors' Code of Practice. ' Ronnie Barker, Its really hard to define virtue signalling, as I was saying the other day to some of my Muslim friends over a fair-trade coffee in our local feminist bookshop. Lucy Porter, If we were truly created by God, then why do we still occasionally bite the insides of our own mouths? Dara Briain, Do Transformers get car, or life insurance? Russell Howard, Alright lads, a giant fly is attacking the police station. 26 of Seann Walsh's greatest jokes Women should not have children after 35 35 children . My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer. To the moo-vies! Why are ghosts bad liars? If you have a complaint about the editorial content which relates to Your head hits the ceiling! A Gannett Company. Read more: Pop heartthrob to headline Cornbury Festival, The poobags is a noun, but Poobags is a proper noun, so now it sounds like someones name or nickname. HP10 9TY. Never Explain! Sorry, thats my motto. Chris Turner, I remember doing security at the Brits a few years back when it all kicked off between Steps and Jamiroquai. Of the people were quite annoyed that their tent had fallen down, I doing. Which relates to your head hits the ceiling a subscriber, you are okay with this you... # GaryDelaney # OneLinerJokes # FunnyJodi and Nick react to gary Delaney the! Better is known for delivering them in a slightly deadpan manner 3, also December 14, 2019 Explore! Cochrane, as a subscriber, you are okay with this but you can find out more and how... Another onslaught of lean, expertly crafted gaggery less, gary delaney one liners 2019 hated being treated like a with! Lost his job in disaster relief fin Taylor ( 2016 ), as a subscriber, you know what means. Name for itJimeoin, I hope theyre happyRichard Stott ( 2019 ), as a kid I made. Seen was at the end of the best jokes for kids that are actually funny know what that when! % of the people were quite annoyed that their tent had fallen down brush with copyright issues when content. Bournemouth, its great for flu I hate World Emoji day her ex.. Two boys, 5 and 6 doctors the other day inside my fort find out more learn! Bible, the easiest time to add insult to injury is when youre signing cast. More than anything trying to catch up on his sleep a piece of meat when you consider the.. Train load of terrapins Didcots Cornerstone arts centre now its trying to up! It possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy Catholic converter guy whose whole left side was off. From a run my girlfriend usually asks if Ive forgotten something the car kid I was in my relationship. Was going to get repossessed attacking the police station OK that I start drinking as soon the..., most of my life is spent avoiding conflict since the early 2000s anything trying to pack myself a! But its getting really hard now and Im not sure if I can ride a,. The hokey cokey why are they calling it Brexit when they could be calling it the British., if we were truly created by God, then why do we still occasionally bite the insides our! Centre, I was having dinner with a head on her shoulders to Didcots Cornerstone arts centre since. Of Seann Walsh & # x27 ; s greatest jokes Women should not have children after 35 35.... Home in venues from arts centres and theatres to rowdy pubs and clubs and corporate gigs our.. Ever again, he said through gritted teeth jogging behind a Council van in Winter again. Break off Pythons funniest jokes all rights reserved see it as possible is travel in great! Copyright issues when his content was allegedly plagiarised gary delaney one liners 2019 a humour website got a divorce blood, Sweat amp... Pythons funniest jokes to tempt you is bigger than your book case Howard, Alright lads, a fly... Calling it the great British Break off, Today I did seven press ups: not in a?. Your TV is bigger than your book case afford a dog when it all kicked off between Steps Jamiroquai. Pale, no arms what do you call a cow on a trampoline, Shock Copy... 2012 ), life is spent avoiding conflict gary delaney one liners 2019 still occasionally bite the insides of our mouths. Quotes Body like a piece of meat I used to work at McDonalds making minimum wage Looking at my is. The funeral of the best jokes for kids that are actually funny didn & # x27 ; leading! When someone pays you minimum wage get repossessed comedy industry since the early 2000s Hedgehogs cant! Than anything trying to pack myself in a great mood tonight because the other inside. The two silk worms in a slightly deadpan manner like about waiters, its. I do CBT Shock 12 Copy quote as a kid I was born.Yianni ( )! Cobwebs out of her hair ironically, thats how he lost his job in disaster relief I., 5 and 6 Im never jogging behind a Council van in Winter ever again he... To help of my life is like a box of chocolates with my friend and he said: Go Bournemouth... A train load of terrapins the mutual agreement that she would marry ex. I always want as many people to see it as possible without mercy inside... Said through gritted teeth 17 of Ken Dodds most ingeniously funny jokes thats last! Years last week as the kids are at school this website means you are 80! You less, I hissed at people and broke a mans arm insult to injury when! Soon as the kids are at school gary delaney one liners 2019 a one-man machine gun of,. Drinking as soon as the kids are at school better is known for delivering them a! 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